


S'chn T'gai Spock the Heartless

by StealthKaiju



Series: Captain's Songbook [3]
Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Feelings, First Meeting, M/M, Pre-Slash, Spock really doesn't want to admit he has them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-11
Updated: 2018-10-11
Packaged: 2019-07-29 15:20:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16266911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StealthKaiju/pseuds/StealthKaiju
Summary: “I meet people and they become chapters in my stories.”― Avijeet DasA quick look of Spock's life BK (Before Kirk) and their first meeting.Inspired by Karen O - I shall rise





	S'chn T'gai Spock the Heartless

_As I walk through frozen sands_

_Through the flames of burning lands_

_My feet are torn, they're torn to strands_

_I will not thirst_

Spock remembered a Terran folktale he had found in a book of his mother’s, about Koschei the Deathless. Powerful in both body and mind, versed in magic, he is invulnerable. His soul is hidden away in a needle, lain inside an egg, put into a duck, which is placed inside a hare, locked in an iron chest, buried under a green oak far away on the island of Buyan, which can disappear or reappear depending on the tides. He may feel pain, he may be wounded, but he cannot be beaten.

 

Spock learnt very early on that he had to be invulnerable. That he could not show weakness. That taunts of _rislauk_ and _guhsh_ were not reasons to push the other Vulcan children, to prove that he was not physically weaker than they were. That he was not worth less than they were.

 

He learnt to work hard at his studies, to excel, to prove to his tutors that he was not intellectually weaker than his peers. In this way he rebelled, surpassing the standards they expected him to fall short of.

 

He learnt not to seek affection from his father, nor his approval or even his interest. His mother, while slightly more concerned with his well-being, even asking about his life (which Spock assumed was because she was more emotive, due to her being human and female), was not a source of affection either. She did not embrace him, or kiss his cheek, or brush the mud from his hair after he had been pushed to the ground.

 

(Spock did not realise until he was older that maybe something was remiss about that. Terran books were filled with children being embraced by parents, held and protected. Is that not what humans did?)

 

He performed every Vulcan coming-of-age ritual, not even flinching when he was joined at the koon-ut-la to a mind that had nothing but venomous hate of him, nor wincing after the kahs-wan when he walked on burnt and bloodied feet. He grew into a stoic, reticent and proper Vulcan.

 

The council of the Vulcan Science Academy were pleased – as far as Vulcans can be pleased – to accept him into their institution. He was a brilliant scholar, well-versed in the sciences, as well as mathematics and logic.

 

Yet Spock felt that while he met their requirements – despite the obvious disadvantage of his mixed heritage – they did not meet his. He thanked them for their consideration but declined.

 

His father almost raised his voice. His mother almost wept. His last memory of them is his father’s back and his mother’s pale face. It has remained picture-perfect in his head for all the years he has not seen or spoken to them.

 

They have not written and neither has he.

 

He has been a dutiful son. He has matched and then exceeded every standard and behaviour expected of him. His parents should accept his decision to find purpose elsewhere. It is illogical not to do so.

 

He will not miss them. He will not be saddened by their absence. It is their choice.

 

He does not owe them his life, just because they gave it to him. He never asked to be born.

 

*

 

_They’ll know my name_

_After the storms are passing through_

_They’ll know my name_

_When they’ve forgotten all about you_

Spock excels at the Starfleet Academy, as to be expected. His academic results are record-breaking, his physical scores superb. His name is known throughout campus by students and professors.

 

It is not always said with such high regard. While no one is outwardly rude to him, there are whispers behind his back that the Terrans assume (with no knowledge of Vulcan hearing) that he cannot hear. He is seen as cold, emotionless, tactless and blunt. As one of his reports from his tutors has noted:

 

_Spock is incredibly adept at any intellectual or mechanical task, and will be a great asset to any crew. But he does not play well with others._

He sits in his room and studies, meditates, occasionally sleeps. He has a replicator so does not go to the cafeteria for meals. He does not engage in any of the recreational clubs.

 

On Vulcan he was overwhelmed by the silence. On Earth he is overwhelmed by the noise.

 

He learns to shield himself against the onslaught of emotions of those around him. He is so good that he learns to shield his own emotions from himself: no longer the burn of anger; now the ice-cold touch of loneliness.

 

*

 

He regards Captain Pike highly – unlike all the other men he has met, Pike is stoic and controlled, the same even tone when meeting triumph or disaster. He values Spock’s work, is fair but not superfluous in his praise of it, and leaves Spock to his experiments and research.

 

There is to be a new captain of the Enterprise, as well as almost an entirely new crew. They are about to embark on a five year exploratory mission, the first of its kind. He is not nervous, but buzzing slightly with anticipation.

 

As science officer he is among the many officers to greet the new captain aboard. They wait in a line by the transport controls, jittery and skittish. Spock stands apart from the rest and waits.

 

He knows this Kirk is the youngest starship captain Starfleet has ever had, and has an impressive military career. Aside from that, Spock has not speculated. Vulcans do not speculate.

 

Kirk materialises and is greeted by the other officers. He shakes their hands one by one, smiling at them. He seems pleasant and warm (but Spock has learnt not to trust human displays of emotion – they wear them like masks), and enthusiastic.

 

He gets to Spock and does not shake his hand. He greets him with the ta’al. ‘Nice to meet you Mister Spock,’ he says with a soft cadence and small smile.

 

Spock returns the greeting. ‘And you Captain,’ he replies.

 

Kirk is swept away by the more senior officers to tour the ship, and Spock can hear their chatter move along the corridor. He is left alone in the room. He rolls his shoulders and begins his way back to the science labs.

 

He does not give Kirk another thought. He probably will not see him for a while, and unlikely very often.

 

*

 

_And I shall rise, oh well I shall rise_

_Again and again_

A few hours after Kirk’s arrival, Spock hears a chime at his laboratory office door. It is unexpected – his colleagues in the science department, efficient and polite, know it is unnecessary to bother him unless it is an emergency, and would not attempt to engage socially.

 

‘Enter,’ he acknowledges, surprised to see Kirk standing there alone. ‘Captain,’ he greets.

 

‘Mister Spock,’ Kirk nods. ‘Please forgive the intrusion, but is it possible for you to organise a tour for me of the labs, at your convenience? I would love to know what you’re all working on, but I have a habit of getting under people’s feet if left unattended.’

 

Spock did not sigh, but huffed quietly. ‘To be ‘under people’s feet’, you would need to be lying on the floor. That would be illogical and inconvenient.’ Spock expected the captain to roll his eyes, or lecture him about it being ‘just an expression’ as many of his Starfleet peers and lecturers had done in the past, but instead Kirk just smiled, a light in his caramel eyes.

 

‘It would, wouldn’t it? And I’d hate to be illogical and inconvenient, at least for the first day.’

 

Spock surprised himself by offering to show Kirk the facilities straight away for a quick tour, and was rewarded with a wide smile, Kirk bouncing on his heels as if he could not wait to get going. The tour took nearly an hour, and would have been much quicker if Kirk had not stopped to engage in idle _chit-chat_ with the scientists on duty (Kirk had already learnt their names, and even parts of their training and background, and now knew more about each of them in two minutes of conversation than Spock had learnt in several years). Kirk was asking questions about the experiments and results, listening intently to the answers. He flitted from one query to another like a pollinating bee.

 

By the time Kirk had left Spock to his work again, with an invitation to play chess which Spock had somehow agreed to, Spock felt completely discombobulated. As if all the atoms of his body and the environment around him had been chaotically mixed together than put back in (almost) the right place. He was exhausted, yet wide awake and shimmering with energy.

 

Stimulated. He felt stimulated. Engaged. Intellectually challenged. Intrigued. Curious.

 

And terrified. His tenure under Pike had been a settled routine, not without its dangers (they were in space after all), but he knew his role and how the captain and his crew operated.

 

This was new territory. Kirk had already shown himself to be a magpie for information but not only that, he was _interested!_

 

Spock closed his eyes and breathed deeply. He would meditate. No doubt he was letting himself panic needlessly. The captain was just excited about a new command. Things would settle, and Spock would be left to the quiet solitude of his laboratory.

 

Whether he wanted that or not. But want is illogical. What is, is.


End file.
